I Never Thought I'd Be Here

ED told me being alone was a time to build caloric deficits.

ED told me if I ate, it had to be witnessed.

ED told me you'd assume I was eating when you weren't around if I ate when you were around.

I never thought I'd get to a place where I'm eating when no one's around.

ED told me to minimize calories by eating fat-free & sugar-free when I could.

I never thought I'd ever be using a full-fat, full-sugar creamer in my coffee, even when my boyfriend has a fat-free, sugar-free one in the fridge.

ED told me to never eat when I was hungry or that I'd be a slave to my weak body's needs.

ED told me if I overate to keep going since I already f***** up, but that I'd have to get rid of it.

I never believed I'd ever be able to allow myself to eat what I want when I'm hungry & stop when I'm full.

ED told me I ruined all my hard work if I overate & that I'd have to get rid of it.

I never thought I'd be okay with the occasional overeating at a restaurant or because these nachos I just made are sooo good. 

ED told me to take advantage of accidental missed meals when life got busy. 

ED told me they were negative "deposits" in my bank of caloric deficits.

ED told me I still had to run miles & miles whether I had eaten or not.

I never believed I wouldn't get triggered if the day's events led to inadvertent restriction, nor that I would be able to not allow myself to go for a run on those days.

I never thought I'd be here today, but I am.

Please don't assume my recovery was perfect; it most surely was not.

As long as you keep fighting that ED voice, you're making progress.

Allow your recovery to be your own & not a comparison of someone else's journey.

You'll get there too, wherever "there" is for you.

Expressive Arts Therapy and Perfectionism

I was reading this article about expressive arts therapy on NEDA, and something struck me about my own treatment. Dr. Deah Schwartz explains,

The quest for perfection and control are feelings often shared by people with an eating disorder or body dissatisfaction.  Trying to live up to an unattainable ideal of beauty, trying to please others, and judging oneself primarily based on physical appearance are persistent driving forces that lead to disordered eating.  But, because the primary focus of Creative Arts Therapy is on the process of creation and NOT the final product, the goal is for the client to learn how to appreciate who they are in the moment, explore reasons for their behaviors, and establish new barometers for self-acceptance.  From day one in my sessions, I explain that in Expressive Arts Therapies there is no right or wrong in what you create. No one is judging you based on any standardized measure of talent, beauty, or success.  In fact, it is a space where there is respect and admiration for individuality, and each person is given permission to explore what qualities make them unique.

I was in residential treatment at Roger's Memorial Hospital in Oconomowoc, WI for a few months in 2008. Art therapy was an important part of their program, but I did not get much out of it at that time. I remember not being able to even start an art project because I was so worried it wouldn't be perfect, that it wouldn't accurately portray what I wanted it to or sufficiently convey what I wanted others to understand. I spent most of the time in that group trying to decide what I wanted to do.

While working on a collaging project, I remember spending weeks cutting things out of magazines, but I never collaged them onto my medium. When the other people in my group were collaging them onto a poster board or mask (I can't remember what the medium was), I was still perusing magazines and cutting things out. When the group moved on to different projects, I remained on the collage because I had not finished it (or really even started it). Upon leaving treatment, I still had not finished that art project. I believe the pieces are still stored in my old closet at my parents' house.

I wish someone like Dr. Deah Schwartz had told me that the important part is the "process of creation and NOT the final product," to just start and see where it takes you. With this idea, one could argue that I did finish the project as I engaged in the process of creation, but I feel like my perfectionism had stunted my artistic ability and that it would have been more therapeutic to collage those clippings onto my medium.

Years later, I've been able to start and complete many art projects. I cannot over emphasize the importance of expressive arts in my own recovery journey. The most therapeutic of projects for me have included criticisms of our society's ideals of beauty, media, distorted beliefs that are held by the majority regarding the "importance" of selflessness, perfection, beauty, control, etc.

I'm curious what others have found to be therapeutic. What was the most therapeutic art project you have started/finished and what about the project makes/made it so helpful for you? Has perfectionism ever stopped you from starting/finishing a project?

From Client to Therapist

Well. Apparently I haven't posted in here since the TV show. I thought I'd give a little update for anyone interested.

I'm 27 years old now. I have been doing very well in my recovery for a few years now. I graduated in April of this year with my masters in social work and am now a therapist! I work with children, teenagers, and adults with a variety of mental health concerns, including eating disorders.

It's amazing to go back in posts and see the change in cognitions, attitude, motivation, etc. There sure has been a lot of growth. No pun intended. ;)

Eating-disorder wise, I always like to say I'm recovering, not recovered. The reason for that is that I believe it's a disorder that can be learned to be managed. Some people report never feeling anxious over their eating or body, but that's not me. I still continue to feel anxious (definitely not to the extent as it was years ago!!!) occasionally about my body, but in reality, who doesn't? Even people without an eating disorder have body image concerns. In a society that's constantly telling us that we need to CHANGE something about ourselves...whiten your teeth, slim down, firm up, wear slimming clothes...how can we not have some discomfort with ourselves? And for those people who do/did have an eating disorder, the disorder may have been a way to attempt to find some sort of control, and thus, it may resurface under stressful situations or during events that are perceived as being out-of-control. As a recovering person, I still find myself feeling more anxious about my body during stressful life events, conflict, life transitions, etc. But what's more important is how I react to those events. I consider myself recovering because I do not act on urges I may have. For those that are interested in this concept, ask your therapist about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I'll try to update this more regularly. I'll leave you with a question: do you consider yourself recovered, recovering, or are you still struggling? How will you know when you are recovered?

The Anderson Cooper Daytime Show

I was invited to be on The Anderson Cooper Daytime Show! They flew my mom, me, and my cat Riley out to NYC, put us up in the Hudson Hotel, and we taped the show on Monday!

It's airing here on Monday (the 23rd) at 3:00 PM on CBS.

Excited and nervous!

My Story on Dailymail.co.uk

The story's up! Thanks, Sharon and HotSpot Media!

Dick status confirmed.

Yep, I'm a dick (see March 5th's post).

I had a bad feeling about my grandma's chest pains so I, in my grandma's words, "tattled" on her to my mom. While her chest pains were not likely a result of me stressing her out, I still felt like a, well, you know... My mother proceeded to come and take her to the doctor for a checkup, where she had an EKG that appeared abnormal.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur.

I was finishing up working at my grandma's apartment as my mom called to tell me she was taking her to the ER as recommended. An already incredibly stressful day, struggling with depression, my emotions began spilling over. I must have tried to put my facial tinted lotion on 3 times before I realized it was an exercise in futility. Lotion-less streaks running down my face, I grabbed my things and flew out the door.

My grandma means everything to me.

My mother urged me to calm down and go home as she seemed fine and I wouldn't be able to help or anything. I decided maybe that was best, but to calm down before driving I decided to go tanning and do deep breathing. Slightly calmer and a little sweatier, I decided I still wanted to be there for her and now was in a right mind to make that decision.

Usually an excellent driver, I drove like an idiot. The closer I got, the more idiotic. My thinking became clouded and as I approached the ER, I thought, wait, I don't want to follow the ER signs the WHOLE way because that's for people getting dropped off at the ER, not parking, right? Wrong. There is a lot. So I made life slightly more difficult by parking in an outpatient lot and proceeding to ask where I could find my grandma.

"She complained of chest pain and had an abnormal EKG and they suggested we bring her to the ER and so my mom brought her and I didn't know where they would--" 

"Name?" 

"Day."

"She's in the ER. Room 31."

I swear, lady, I'm not always an idiot.

5 hours later, she was fine and discharged with a recommendation for daily aspirin, which she initially refused, but that's another blog.

Chest Pains & Epiphany

I just freaked out on my grandma and I feel like a dick.

She saw me eating trail mix I made (almonds/craisins) and said, “Are you munching?” I replied, “yeah…” And she tilted her head forward, raised her eyebrows, and said, “is it healthy?” And I FLIPPED. I didn’t yell, but I started crying. Even in “recovery” if someone tries to exercise control over me in that area I LOSE MY COOL. I even said, “I can eat whatever the hell I want!” “it doesn’t MATTER if it’s healthy. It’s MY body.” She always responds with something trying to diffuse the situation but that doesn’t make sense like, “Well I just want to make sure you’re getting enough to eat…you know there’s cookies in the kitchen.” What the hell? She sounds more confused than I am now! I also feel like a dick because all of this happened on the same day that my grandma had chest pains earlier. If I make that worse or if she has a heart attack today, I will NEVER forgive myself.

Epiphany:

I just hate having to walk on eggshells around my mom and grandma with eating. They are honestly two of the most neurotic people I have ever seen interact with food. It must have passed down to my mom and then to me. I have to be sure to break the cycle. I don’t want my daughter or son to have to go through this shit. If I’m eating something in the kitchen or living room, my mom will often peek over or ask, “whatcha got there?” or “whatcha eating?” with this look on her face I can’t describe. When I watch movies or see people interact with others in real life I see the same face in specific situations: ones where someone is eating chocolate or wine or some decadent dessert that they either “shouldn’t” be eating or as if they are indulging in a guilty secret. It’s a look with eyebrows drawn up and sometimes biting their lip. My mom and grandma do that with REGULAR food and ALL food. I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen my mom make that face with me eating and I doubt she has any idea. As a matter of fact, if I brought this up, she would definitely deny it. But that’s because it’s not a conscious behavior, I think she has learned through societal messages, her mother, her environment, her life events, whatever, that food = guilt or the enemy or something that has to be restricted to avoid overdoing it and gaining weight. But it’s disturbing because that look is not only reserved for a specific, decadent, rare food item. It’s used for the ACT of EATING, which is unhealthy. Very, very unhealthy. And unconscious. I truly believe she does not recognize it. And to be honest, it’s been bugging me for YEARS. I’ve tried to pin down just WHAT it WAS that was driving me nuts about it, and I’ve finally realized it.

Now, what does this MEAN?

It means, it removes blame from the equation. There's a reason for her behavior, just like there's a reason for her mom's behavior. Trying to point this out to her would likely only result in either 1. denial/dismissal 2. agreement but no change 3. agreement and acknowledgement that change may be health for her and me, but any change will not be lasting. These three possibilities are not products of the cognitive distortion "mind-reading," but rather actual reactions I have had from her over the years in relation to the eating disorder and other behavior of hers and mine.

It also means I can't necessarily change the way she acts, but I can change the way I react to her. But how? And I'm so tired of being the one to have to change. That sounded whiny. OH WELL. Adapt to my disordered behavior!

Dog Stew

Did I mention I teach English to South Koreans over the phone?

The textbook was developed by Koreans.
Situation I was to read out loud to my student today:
"Your mom said that it would be rain. And actually it's raining now. Tell your friend that it is raining and your mom mentioned it already."

Really?

Best part is the instructions: "Read to student as is in textbook"
They must have had people changing the questions a bit...well DUH! I love when my students point out the incorrect grammar of a question and I'm like, "Yes, I know. But I am paid to read incorrect grammar out loud to you, so.."

Okay, they don't point it out. But if they did, I could say, "See! They tricked you into learning something!"

Oh, and another student talked about eating dog today. In a stew. I had an urge to cover my ears with my elbows, scrunch up my face, and run around the room yelling, "CAN'T HEAR YOU! CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

I have an exam today: SW 622 Psychopathology & Social Deviance and tomorrow: SW 690 Social Research.
Wish me luck...especially for tomorrow. A series of unfortunate events may have led that professor to not be in favor of me.

Stress: increasing. Last semester the stress was terrible, and I almost relapsed. Let's not do that again..mmmK?

Things are getting real...

I never thought macro social work was for me.


I was interested in person-to-person therapy, not addressing social concerns on a larger scale through policy development, lobbying, etc.


But...my interests are changing. I'm still interested in clinical social work, but I'd like to be an active advocate for eating disorder recovery as well.


Thus:

• I'm working for a non profit called Eating Disorders & Education Network (EDEN) as an eating disorder consultant. I maintain our Facebook and Twitter pages, I developed a new website for the organization (in the process of linking it to our old domain so I'm not going to post the link yet), I actively respond to comments, questions, concerns brought to me through our Facebook page, and I designed the flyer for our fundraiser benefit in May. I'm also on the committee for organizing our annual 5K. Last year I also organized the 5k through the Big House Big Heart race in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

• I'm organizing a trip to Washington D.C. to lobby for the FREED Act along with the Eating Disorders Coalition. So far friends, in-recovery friends, fellow social work students, and even some people I don't know are going! We need NUMBERS (the irony).

• I designed I SURVIVED t-shirts through my online store BreakUpWithED.

• I actively promote positive body image messages, point out unhealthy and disordered talk/actions, and serve as a media watchdog (pointing out harmful images/ideas/words to media organizations), if you will.

• I am registered with the National Eating Disorders Association's Awareness Week (NEDAW) as a speaker, which means schools, organizations, events, etc., can find me on the database and request me to talk with them. I received training through a webinar early this week and now feel confident about telling my story and educating others in a manner that is safe for myself and them.

You can be a recovery advocate too. Get involved.

Celebrity Status

Okay, not really.


BUT! I was contacted by an agent from a press agency in the UK that is interested in my story! (see: this post)


She wants to interview me, arrange for a photographer to come to my house (in the US), and publish the story in a newspaper and sell it to magazine companies! OMG that is so hard to believe for me! I am SO honored and grateful!


The photographer is coming this weekend! Excited!

Eating Disorders in South Korea

One of my jobs is teaching English to South Koreans over the phone. Ever since their government eased up on regulations regarding Western products, TV shows, movies, music, etc., there has been an increasing pressure to be thin.

Many Koreans believe to be hireable (is that a word?) or able to find a spouse, your weight is an important determinant. Depressing, eh?

It's like saying the number of hairs on your head is a determinant for getting hired! "You only have 50,000 hairs on your head? Don't call us, we'll call you."

Ridiculous, no?

One of the lessons is "Diet" and my students often say, "I'm trying to lose my weight." At this point I struggle with correcting their English or unhealthy cognitions. Hmm...keep my job or plant the seed of awareness that weight is as ridiculous a determiner of self-worth as the number of hairs on your head!

I try to do both as I still need to put bread on the table. ;)

WHAT THE FIRETRUCK is going on here?

Well, once again...I'm avoiding writing a paper by blogging. Remember that 25 page paper I talked about in the last entry? That's the one...it's due on Wednesday. But on Monday I also have 2 other papers due...

Eating-wise is not too great right now. Today has been better as I've been distracted working on this paper on campus. Once all of this stress started hitting me (HARD) at the beginning of last week, my depression skyrocketed, anxiety increased, and eating decreased. I haven't determined yet if it was a result of lack of appetite due to the depression or a subconscious way of being "in control" (when you're really NOT), by restricting food. It may be a combination. I think it was jumpstarted by the depression, but I think I still turn to restricting foods to feel like I have control over SOMETHING.

I really thought I had moved past that, but I guess it's something I still have to work at. But how do I "work at it?" When it comes on, I don't tell anyone because I fear they will freak out that I'm relapsing or because at that point I don't WANT to stop.

So it's scary because even though I feel like I was at the best spot in my recovery ever, even working on my MSW and working for a nonprofit that focuses on treating eating disorders, I'm not quite THERE.

I'm still under the shoe of ED. I thought I was not only out from under ED, but even chasing after him to stop him out!

Apparently it's a game of tag, and I'm it.

Someone slap me!!

I am doing pretty well. I probably should have posted that about a month ago when I was doing even better.

Isn't it funny how you don't always notice when you're doing well, but as soon as you start to struggle, you hit up the blog? Well I do that, anyway...

I'm stressed. I was working 60 hours/wk but had to leave work to go back to grad school full time. Currently I am taking a full course load in graduate school, working two part time jobs, and I have a boyfriend.

Back to stress...I have 13 more papers to write in the next few weeks (one being 45% of the grade and 25 pages long...), 3 more presentations, and a final exam. I've already written several papers and done 2 presentations. One paper I'm working on requires getting 8 hours of experience related to the topic before writing. Next May I start my field education (internship) in addition to having classes and working. I'm planning on moving back home so I can commute to classes (condense them to 2 days/wk), and internship at home so I can be closer to family and my boyfriend. I miss them very much.

My two new jobs are teaching English to Korean students over the phone and working as an eating disorder consultant for a non profit organization that provides resources and hope to those struggling with eating disorders.

BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY STRESSED. :(

and depressed! I think this is all making me very depressed, or there's a chemical component too. I've lost my appetite (not good for me), and I have that feeling of indifference and hopelessness that I remember from before. I'm trying to turn to healthy coping mechanisms (running, venting on the phone, getting some me-time), but those all take up precious minutes of the day that I can't afford to give anymore or I'll be even more stressed!

My cat saved my life: One of many relapses into anorexia

October of 2008

A few years ago, during another relapse into anorexia, we had a family get-together at our house (I was living with my parents then). While family members were cooking hotdogs and marshmallows on the bonfire for lunch, I was nervously darting around, avoiding food. Whenever someone needed a condiment or extra napkins, I was the first to jump up and volunteer. Sitting in one spot would no doubt result in an offering of food, according to my anorexic mind. I stood six feet tall and weighed 108 lbs.

Familial exhaustion

After my first wave of anorexia, therapy, psychiatrists, medications, support groups, supplements, EKGs, heart rate checks, low blood pressure, hospital stabilization, inpatient treatment, and residential treatment, my family and most of my friends seemed to address additional relapses less intensely. From my perspective, they had given up on me. If all of that help didn't work, they didn't know how to help me. Continued relapses became a normal facet of our family and it was expected that either at our summer or Christmas reunion, they would find me sick again. It became commonplace so instead of the exhaustive effort of challenging every disordered thought or behavior, my family and I seemed to accept it as part of me.

As I was an adult, there wasn't much that could be done to save me from myself, aside from taking me to court and committing me to the state, which was discussed by my therapist. I felt all my coins of possible ways to get help and reach recovery were spent.

I gave up and decided anorexia would be my slow suicide.

I had had a suicide attempt years prior, but I felt that death by anorexia would be less hurtful to my family. The previous attempt on ending my life was unrelated to the eating disorder and caused shock, hurt, and fear in my family. At least with anorexia, I felt they were so fed up with me (no pun intended), that by slowly dying they were able to accept it, see it coming, and almost wish it sooner due to the pain I caused the whole family.

 

The bonfire
Sitting around (or me-darting around) the bonfire, I heard a faint "mew" sound. My family watched as I investigated in the woods behind the fire. Luckily it was daytime so I could see a tiny kitten at the base of a tree, looking lost and terrified. She continued to "mew" at me and the only thing I had on hand to give her was a hot dog. I threw little pieces of hotdog in front of it and it gobbled them up. She ended up eating 1 and 1/2 hot dogs! She was about the size of a beanie baby!

My parents were adamant about not ending up with a cat in the house...they were never cat people. I was able to get the kitten close enough with a chunk of hot dog that I made a grab for her, but she got away and ran back into the woods. I felt terrible but I couldn’t find her after that.

Growing fonder

The next late-fall morning, I saw through the dining room window the kitten had curled up in the warm ashes of the fire pit for the night. I began to leave a dish of water and a dish of tuna fish out for her every day and I frequently visited. She began to follow me around and I started feeling attached to her and worried about predators at night. I convinced my dad to let me keep her food in the pole barn with the door open so she had a shelter to stay in. Eventually, I got more attached and didn’t want her in harm’s way or to get lost, so I shut the door of the barn. Not yet knowing the sex of the kitten, I named her Pumpkin since she was orange. As winter neared, the barn got cooler and my mom finally conceded. If I would pay to take the kitten to the vet to be tested for parasites and to be fully declawed, I could bring her inside the house. I was thrilled.

Taken from me
One day I came home to my mom saying a neighbor had come to pick up the kitten. I was furious and hysterical. I felt like she was my baby, and she was stolen from me. “Why would you DO that?” Apparently he had showed up looking for a different cat that was missing and my mom told him about the kitten I found. He offered to take her off our hands since he had a barn full of cats. My mom didn’t realize how attached I was and after my outburst, she told me to go over there and ask for her back. I did. He gave me my kitty back, apologizing. He didn’t know how attached I already was. I thanked him and left.

The vet

After the vet appointments, I was able to bring her inside. I found out not only was my kitten a girl, but she wasn’t a kitten at all! Age-wise, she was a very young adult cat…that only weighed THREE POUNDS. She was extremely malnourished and they didn’t believe she would grow too much because of it.

Riley

I re-named her Riley as I’ve always loved that name for a girl. She never left my side, even following me into the bathroom at times. As I worked on rehabilitating her to a healthy-weight, I was focusing less and less on my eating disorder. I began to eat when she ate, share some of my food with her, and if I got anxious and wanted to purge or over exercise, I would use her as a distraction.

Both malnourished and slowly regaining our health, our connection grew to more than just pet-owner attachment. I almost felt TOO attached. I was so incredibly protective and anxious about losing her, I think not only because she felt like my baby, but because I didn’t really want to die, and I was getting better. I called her my recovery kitty.

Today

She is now a healthy 11.1 lbs and I am a healthy 160. I love her and always want to be able to be around for her. That’s one of my many reasons that every day I fight for recovery. I know I helped save her life, and I truly believe she helped save mine.

                               

                    

                                           

The Voice of an Eating Disorder: Internal WAR

I found this journal I wrote last year of the internal war going on in my head, and I think I captured it quite well for my situation at that time. This type of dialogue, war, constant battle, raged on incessantly. It exhausted me physically and mentally to the point of collapsing on my bed and trying desperately to think of nothing but a brick wall to "block" it out. The arrows (>>>) mark the beginning and end of the old entry.

>>>
The voice:

There’s no way in the WORLD you can eat that. Why would you think you can eat that? You aren’t allowed to eat that. It isn’t time yet for you to eat. You know I’ll let you eat later tonight, why would you eat now too? You think you deserve to eat BOTH times?? You’re not even hungry, why would you eat now? Stare all you want, you can’t have that. Let people who deserve that food eat it. Look at all of what you put your parents through, they should be able to eat that. Leave it for them. Even your dog deserves to eat more of that than you.

Me: I don’t want my parents to worry.

The voice:

I don’t care, you’re still not eating it. Pick at it if you want, although you shouldn’t even be eating THAT much. What was the point of eating the rest of the salsa after your mom left the room? You don’t want to worry her and yet you eat when she won’t even see you eating? Now you’ve eaten when you weren’t even hungry. You’re PATHETIC. Worthless piece of SHIT! You don’t deserve to have parents.

Me: My mom puts so much work and love into her cooking. It’s a passion of hers, I don’t want to disappoint her. I DO love her food, I’m just afraid.

The voice:

Well you SHOULD be afraid. If you eat with abandon, there will be consequences. You don’t deserve food or nourishment. You’re a worthless, lazy, selfish, PIG.

Mom: You didn’t eat very much.

That’s what frustrates me. I hear this incessant voice, SCREAMING at me at how worthless I am, how I can’t eat that, how I don’t deserve to eat, how I shouldn’t eat when I’m not even hungry right now, and I’m trying to enjoy the time with my family with that stupid voice in my head, and then my mom says, “you didn’t eat very much”. Nothing wrong with her comment, it’s an observation. But I think we all KNEW I didn’t eat very much and now the voice is that much stronger. Now it’s saying,

The voice:

Look at how WORTHLESS you are. YOU ARE A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT AS A DAUGHTER. You don’t deserve them. You’re going to pay for how you’re treating them. This is all YOUR fault.

Me: I’M not the one who wouldn’t let me eat. I WANTED to eat. Even though I wasn’t hungry, I WANTED to eat. My mom is an AWESOME cook. The food looked/tasted great. I wanted to, but YOU wouldn’t let me. STOP CONTROLLING ME. Please just leave me alone. I want to be in peace, please!!
>>>

It still breaks my heart remembering the pain of feeling like you're living with a bully 24/7 inside your own body and knowing others still live with that bully as well. I believe you never lose that bully or voice, but you learn to thought-challenge it, get angry at it, fight it, and with time it quiets down as you learn to deal with life in a healthier manner and rely on your eating disorder less and less.

Learning to Separate YOUR Voice from the Eating Disorder voice

I learned to live half alive,

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts,

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

Didn't eat well today, and ED keeps making excuses.
Didn't eat enough for breakfast.

You were running late, so you couldn't grab something besides a banana at home, & a train stopped you for 15 minutes so you didn't have time to stop at the gas station.

While that excuse is true, it doesn't excuse the rest of the day which happened because I had a poor start.
Banana on the way to work
Coffee with sugar/cream on 1st break
Lunch was a few garlic toast chips with pesto on them & another coffee.
I had 2 regular and 1 jumbo blow pop during work.
After work: nada yet

It's 9:55PM here and I wake up at 3:30AM so really I should go to bed.
I think that was partly ED. I hate when I can't tell who is saying something: ME or the eating disorder...sometimes they become so enmeshed you can't distinguish two voices.

But if you take away anything from this post, let this be it: Learning to separate YOUR voice from the eating disorder is vital to recovery. By creating that separation, you enable yourself to turn against the eating disorder's voice (no, we're not crazy...but the ED voice is a self-critical voice you have learned to use to cope with life through eating-disordered behaviors. By recognizing that you are separate from it, you acknowledge it is not your identity, but a disease that can be overcome) and by turning against the voice, you can choose healthier behaviors and gradually increase the gap between you and ED.

I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret...

Sangria, food diary, and...Lindsay Lohan?

Those don't seem to fit well together, but at the present I am drinking a glass of sangria in my room wih the shades down.  Isolating...maybe.

Probably due to being more tired than Lindsay Lohan's legal team.

Mmm. sangria is the SHIZNIT. liquid happiness.

caloric liquid happiness.

SHUT UP ED. it's delicious and I haven't eaten properly today so I might as well drink some calories.

The amount of food I'm eating is still MONUMENTAL compared to what I used to be able to eat! But today it was not enough, despite ED telling me it was too much.

I had 2 chocolate chip cookies, a Lingonberry juice, and a Special K protein meal bar in the morning...ED's already cringing.

Then on 1st break I had 2/3 of the other Special K protein meal bar & a banana

I had 2 lindor truffles while working inbetween breaks

At lunch I had the other 1/3 of the bar and a coffee with cream and REAL SUGAR (this is something I've been working on successfully for a long time).

1 Strawberry blow pop after lunch

After work I've had 2 pieces of toasted garlic bread chips (each could fit on a tablespoon) with a teaspoon or so of pesto on them. And of course the glass of sangria.

Calorically, that's a monumental WIN from the last 10 years...but a fail from the last few months as well. I can tell something's stirring. It's like *he's* a monster that lies in wait until you're in a compromising stage of your life, which I'm about to be...

son of a...

Reeeeeeeeeeeelapse.

I can feel it.


GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY

must fight harder.

A science experiment carried out the same way each time will only produce the same results.
ED=NOT LIVING

Improvements

The door to anorexia is never closed, but you can learn to take other doors EACH and EVERY time anorexia knocks. I'm finding other doors.

I still struggle with purging, but restricting is minimized and overexercising is a joke right now (I haven't exercised in a LONG time...unless you count 10 hour shifts where you're standing and doing moderate work)...I do need to exercise, but for health, not weight loss. I find it hard to focus on that and I find exercise, particularly running, extremely addictive and I don't want to spiral down.

I'm in a pretty good spot. We'll see where March takes me.

Happy New Year

New year, new changes.

It's COLD. K, that's not new.

everyone moved out of the house I had an apartment in and it's not the safest area either...that plus gas prices increasing to $ 0.bankruptcy/gallon means I'm moving closer to work...and closer to the beach-yay! It'll take me about 30 mins longer to travel home to my parents' house, but it'll be worth it. plus...i'm getting a roommate. HOLY HELL.

I am so tired of throwing up all the time...this will either be a blessing (getting better0 or a blessing disguised as a curse (being caught and confronted or hating not having privacy and yet due to that, not engaging in ED behaviors).

Cross yo' fingers!