From Client to Therapist

Well. Apparently I haven't posted in here since the TV show. I thought I'd give a little update for anyone interested.

I'm 27 years old now. I have been doing very well in my recovery for a few years now. I graduated in April of this year with my masters in social work and am now a therapist! I work with children, teenagers, and adults with a variety of mental health concerns, including eating disorders.

It's amazing to go back in posts and see the change in cognitions, attitude, motivation, etc. There sure has been a lot of growth. No pun intended. ;)

Eating-disorder wise, I always like to say I'm recovering, not recovered. The reason for that is that I believe it's a disorder that can be learned to be managed. Some people report never feeling anxious over their eating or body, but that's not me. I still continue to feel anxious (definitely not to the extent as it was years ago!!!) occasionally about my body, but in reality, who doesn't? Even people without an eating disorder have body image concerns. In a society that's constantly telling us that we need to CHANGE something about ourselves...whiten your teeth, slim down, firm up, wear slimming clothes...how can we not have some discomfort with ourselves? And for those people who do/did have an eating disorder, the disorder may have been a way to attempt to find some sort of control, and thus, it may resurface under stressful situations or during events that are perceived as being out-of-control. As a recovering person, I still find myself feeling more anxious about my body during stressful life events, conflict, life transitions, etc. But what's more important is how I react to those events. I consider myself recovering because I do not act on urges I may have. For those that are interested in this concept, ask your therapist about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I'll try to update this more regularly. I'll leave you with a question: do you consider yourself recovered, recovering, or are you still struggling? How will you know when you are recovered?

The Anderson Cooper Daytime Show

I was invited to be on The Anderson Cooper Daytime Show! They flew my mom, me, and my cat Riley out to NYC, put us up in the Hudson Hotel, and we taped the show on Monday!

It's airing here on Monday (the 23rd) at 3:00 PM on CBS.

Excited and nervous!

Chest Pains & Epiphany

I just freaked out on my grandma and I feel like a dick.

She saw me eating trail mix I made (almonds/craisins) and said, “Are you munching?” I replied, “yeah…” And she tilted her head forward, raised her eyebrows, and said, “is it healthy?” And I FLIPPED. I didn’t yell, but I started crying. Even in “recovery” if someone tries to exercise control over me in that area I LOSE MY COOL. I even said, “I can eat whatever the hell I want!” “it doesn’t MATTER if it’s healthy. It’s MY body.” She always responds with something trying to diffuse the situation but that doesn’t make sense like, “Well I just want to make sure you’re getting enough to eat…you know there’s cookies in the kitchen.” What the hell? She sounds more confused than I am now! I also feel like a dick because all of this happened on the same day that my grandma had chest pains earlier. If I make that worse or if she has a heart attack today, I will NEVER forgive myself.

Epiphany:

I just hate having to walk on eggshells around my mom and grandma with eating. They are honestly two of the most neurotic people I have ever seen interact with food. It must have passed down to my mom and then to me. I have to be sure to break the cycle. I don’t want my daughter or son to have to go through this shit. If I’m eating something in the kitchen or living room, my mom will often peek over or ask, “whatcha got there?” or “whatcha eating?” with this look on her face I can’t describe. When I watch movies or see people interact with others in real life I see the same face in specific situations: ones where someone is eating chocolate or wine or some decadent dessert that they either “shouldn’t” be eating or as if they are indulging in a guilty secret. It’s a look with eyebrows drawn up and sometimes biting their lip. My mom and grandma do that with REGULAR food and ALL food. I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen my mom make that face with me eating and I doubt she has any idea. As a matter of fact, if I brought this up, she would definitely deny it. But that’s because it’s not a conscious behavior, I think she has learned through societal messages, her mother, her environment, her life events, whatever, that food = guilt or the enemy or something that has to be restricted to avoid overdoing it and gaining weight. But it’s disturbing because that look is not only reserved for a specific, decadent, rare food item. It’s used for the ACT of EATING, which is unhealthy. Very, very unhealthy. And unconscious. I truly believe she does not recognize it. And to be honest, it’s been bugging me for YEARS. I’ve tried to pin down just WHAT it WAS that was driving me nuts about it, and I’ve finally realized it.

Now, what does this MEAN?

It means, it removes blame from the equation. There's a reason for her behavior, just like there's a reason for her mom's behavior. Trying to point this out to her would likely only result in either 1. denial/dismissal 2. agreement but no change 3. agreement and acknowledgement that change may be health for her and me, but any change will not be lasting. These three possibilities are not products of the cognitive distortion "mind-reading," but rather actual reactions I have had from her over the years in relation to the eating disorder and other behavior of hers and mine.

It also means I can't necessarily change the way she acts, but I can change the way I react to her. But how? And I'm so tired of being the one to have to change. That sounded whiny. OH WELL. Adapt to my disordered behavior!

Eating Disorders in South Korea

One of my jobs is teaching English to South Koreans over the phone. Ever since their government eased up on regulations regarding Western products, TV shows, movies, music, etc., there has been an increasing pressure to be thin.

Many Koreans believe to be hireable (is that a word?) or able to find a spouse, your weight is an important determinant. Depressing, eh?

It's like saying the number of hairs on your head is a determinant for getting hired! "You only have 50,000 hairs on your head? Don't call us, we'll call you."

Ridiculous, no?

One of the lessons is "Diet" and my students often say, "I'm trying to lose my weight." At this point I struggle with correcting their English or unhealthy cognitions. Hmm...keep my job or plant the seed of awareness that weight is as ridiculous a determiner of self-worth as the number of hairs on your head!

I try to do both as I still need to put bread on the table. ;)

Raw Veganism

well I've been toying with the idea of converting from vegetarianism to veganism for quite a while now and recently I've been reading up on raw foodism and liking what I'm learning. It just seems so pure. I'm sure it's not 100% what I need either, but it's better than what my body's getting right now.

I'd be going from this...
no breakfast
no morning snack
no lunch
no afternoon snack
unhealthy dinner...purged
no late night snack

to this...
FOOD.
more specifically, food that I feel GOOD about eating. Something clicked in me, and I feel good about eating raw.

I'm not even just eating a raw food diet...I'm considered raw VEGAN. Woah big changes, baby!

I'm not 100% compliant with the guidelines, but if you are too strict you will revert back. I still consume soy milk (not raw), coffee (caffeine not allowed), artificial sweetners and refined sugar (both not allowed).

Today I have eaten (AND NOT THROWN UP, MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Breakfast: Orange, banana, glass of vanilla light soymilk
Snack: Orange, 2 cups of coffee
Lunch: Organic spinach salad with 1 roma tomato, 1 round cucumber from my parents' garden, sea salt, pepper, and cumin; 1 mango; a glass of vanilla light soymilk, and 2 cups of coffee
Snack: cup of vanilla light soymilk
Dinner: 2 bowls of salad with organich spinach, roma tomatoes, red onions, cumin, sea salt, pepper, nutritional yeast, ground flaxeed, and hempseeds.
Snack: orange and half a glass of vanilla light soymilk

yum. :)

I still feel like I want to snack on something but I think that's psychological hunger as my body has endured quite a bit these past years. I remember reading one way to tell the difference between psychological hunger and actual hunger is if the hunger continues to increase in intensity as you move further away from one meal and closer to another (actual hunger). One giveaway that you're psychologically hungry is if you're suggestible to certain foods that people mention or are eating if you weren't already hungry.

Well, time to end the day on a good note and go to bed early (it's Friday and I need to catch up from this workweek...desperately).

HUGE breath...THIS is my real eating disorder...

I wanted to name this blog "Anorexia" or "Anorexia Nervosa" or "The Anorexic", but those blog names were taken.

Good thing, really. I've used those titles as my identity for years and I need to break away from that. Besides, my eating disorder is far from just "anorexia". It's so much more complex than that. There's so many labels, disorders, categories, new disorders, arguments, blurred lines, etc...but it makes more sense to me to categorize it all into, "disordered eating". I believe it's a spectrum. Some just believe eating a low-fat or fat-free diet is healthy, some eat 300 calories a day, some binge/purge, some do all of the above.

And no one is "an anorexic" or "a bulimic," because you are NOT your eating disorder. You may HAVE an eating disorder, but that doesn't define you. It's something you struggle with amidst your dynamic self.

I've always had the diagnosis of 307.1, Anorexia Nervosa, but I still felt guilty having the anorexia diagnosis if I didn't feel like a perfect anorexic. Yes, I realize how messed up and disordered that sounds.

Guilty? Yes, I wanted that diagnosis. It became a status for me. I never looked at others with eating disorders and thought, "wow, what control they have. I want to be like them." I pitied them, worried about them, even felt scared for them, but it was different for me. For me I had to fit into a category easily measured. It was simple. I had to weigh less than X at my height to be considered anorexic, including my other symptoms. And I did. It was all about control. Of course, thinking I was in control, not actually being in it.

Eventually, you cross from,
"Hey, look what I can do. I feel so much better. It's hard work having such control!"
"Hey, it's getting easier to do this!"
"Wow, I didn't even realize I was still doing this..."
"This is a little annoying, but it's worth it."
"My family is hurting, I should probably hide this."
"My family is terrified, I should probably stop this."
"I'm a little worried about me too now. Maybe I should stop."
"Crap. I can't stop."
"Why can't I stop?"
"Help me STOP."
"It won't LET me STOP!"
to,
"SAVE ME!"
Thinking you're in control to start and out of control to stop, it sets you up for a dangerous journey.

This war has raged on for a decade now. I want recovery, but it always seems so far out of reach. So many obstacles and the biggest one is me (no pun intended).

This is my not-so-private diary of my eating disorder. The first time I will be completely uncensored (edit: now censored to avoid triggering others) about my past, triggers, behaviors, steps toward recovery and back again. Join me on my journey if you wish.