Eating Disorders in South Korea

One of my jobs is teaching English to South Koreans over the phone. Ever since their government eased up on regulations regarding Western products, TV shows, movies, music, etc., there has been an increasing pressure to be thin.

Many Koreans believe to be hireable (is that a word?) or able to find a spouse, your weight is an important determinant. Depressing, eh?

It's like saying the number of hairs on your head is a determinant for getting hired! "You only have 50,000 hairs on your head? Don't call us, we'll call you."

Ridiculous, no?

One of the lessons is "Diet" and my students often say, "I'm trying to lose my weight." At this point I struggle with correcting their English or unhealthy cognitions. Hmm...keep my job or plant the seed of awareness that weight is as ridiculous a determiner of self-worth as the number of hairs on your head!

I try to do both as I still need to put bread on the table. ;)

Raw Veganism

well I've been toying with the idea of converting from vegetarianism to veganism for quite a while now and recently I've been reading up on raw foodism and liking what I'm learning. It just seems so pure. I'm sure it's not 100% what I need either, but it's better than what my body's getting right now.

I'd be going from this...
no breakfast
no morning snack
no lunch
no afternoon snack
unhealthy dinner...purged
no late night snack

to this...
FOOD.
more specifically, food that I feel GOOD about eating. Something clicked in me, and I feel good about eating raw.

I'm not even just eating a raw food diet...I'm considered raw VEGAN. Woah big changes, baby!

I'm not 100% compliant with the guidelines, but if you are too strict you will revert back. I still consume soy milk (not raw), coffee (caffeine not allowed), artificial sweetners and refined sugar (both not allowed).

Today I have eaten (AND NOT THROWN UP, MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Breakfast: Orange, banana, glass of vanilla light soymilk
Snack: Orange, 2 cups of coffee
Lunch: Organic spinach salad with 1 roma tomato, 1 round cucumber from my parents' garden, sea salt, pepper, and cumin; 1 mango; a glass of vanilla light soymilk, and 2 cups of coffee
Snack: cup of vanilla light soymilk
Dinner: 2 bowls of salad with organich spinach, roma tomatoes, red onions, cumin, sea salt, pepper, nutritional yeast, ground flaxeed, and hempseeds.
Snack: orange and half a glass of vanilla light soymilk

yum. :)

I still feel like I want to snack on something but I think that's psychological hunger as my body has endured quite a bit these past years. I remember reading one way to tell the difference between psychological hunger and actual hunger is if the hunger continues to increase in intensity as you move further away from one meal and closer to another (actual hunger). One giveaway that you're psychologically hungry is if you're suggestible to certain foods that people mention or are eating if you weren't already hungry.

Well, time to end the day on a good note and go to bed early (it's Friday and I need to catch up from this workweek...desperately).

HUGE breath...THIS is my real eating disorder...

I wanted to name this blog "Anorexia" or "Anorexia Nervosa" or "The Anorexic", but those blog names were taken.

Good thing, really. I've used those titles as my identity for years and I need to break away from that. Besides, my eating disorder is far from just "anorexia". It's so much more complex than that. There's so many labels, disorders, categories, new disorders, arguments, blurred lines, etc...but it makes more sense to me to categorize it all into, "disordered eating". I believe it's a spectrum. Some just believe eating a low-fat or fat-free diet is healthy, some eat 300 calories a day, some binge/purge, some do all of the above.

And no one is "an anorexic" or "a bulimic," because you are NOT your eating disorder. You may HAVE an eating disorder, but that doesn't define you. It's something you struggle with amidst your dynamic self.

I've always had the diagnosis of 307.1, Anorexia Nervosa, but I still felt guilty having the anorexia diagnosis if I didn't feel like a perfect anorexic. Yes, I realize how messed up and disordered that sounds.

Guilty? Yes, I wanted that diagnosis. It became a status for me. I never looked at others with eating disorders and thought, "wow, what control they have. I want to be like them." I pitied them, worried about them, even felt scared for them, but it was different for me. For me I had to fit into a category easily measured. It was simple. I had to weigh less than X at my height to be considered anorexic, including my other symptoms. And I did. It was all about control. Of course, thinking I was in control, not actually being in it.

Eventually, you cross from,
"Hey, look what I can do. I feel so much better. It's hard work having such control!"
"Hey, it's getting easier to do this!"
"Wow, I didn't even realize I was still doing this..."
"This is a little annoying, but it's worth it."
"My family is hurting, I should probably hide this."
"My family is terrified, I should probably stop this."
"I'm a little worried about me too now. Maybe I should stop."
"Crap. I can't stop."
"Why can't I stop?"
"Help me STOP."
"It won't LET me STOP!"
to,
"SAVE ME!"
Thinking you're in control to start and out of control to stop, it sets you up for a dangerous journey.

This war has raged on for a decade now. I want recovery, but it always seems so far out of reach. So many obstacles and the biggest one is me (no pun intended).

This is my not-so-private diary of my eating disorder. The first time I will be completely uncensored (edit: now censored to avoid triggering others) about my past, triggers, behaviors, steps toward recovery and back again. Join me on my journey if you wish.