Saturday, November 12, 2011

WHAT THE FIRETRUCK is going on here?

Well, once again...I'm avoiding writing a paper by blogging. Remember that 25 page paper I talked about in the last entry? That's the's due on Wednesday. But on Monday I also have 2 other papers due...

Eating-wise is not too great right now. Today has been better as I've been distracted working on this paper on campus. Once all of this stress started hitting me (HARD) at the beginning of last week, my depression skyrocketed, anxiety increased, and eating decreased. I haven't determined yet if it was a result of lack of appetite due to the depression or a subconscious way of being "in control" (when you're really NOT), by restricting food. It may be a combination. I think it was jumpstarted by the depression, but I think I still turn to restricting foods to feel like I have control over SOMETHING.

I really thought I had moved past that, but I guess it's something I still have to work at. But how do I "work at it?" When it comes on, I don't tell anyone because I fear they will freak out that I'm relapsing or because at that point I don't WANT to stop.

So it's scary because even though I feel like I was at the best spot in my recovery ever, even working on my MSW and working for a nonprofit that focuses on treating eating disorders, I'm not quite THERE.

I'm still under the shoe of ED. I thought I was not only out from under ED, but even chasing after him to stop him out!

Apparently it's a game of tag, and I'm it.