Monday, July 26, 2010

Roid Rage

Welllllllllll the steroids are to blame! Okay not entirely, considering what I'm capable of putting away...but I had gained a total of 15 lbs this week...and logically I know most of that is water weight but still...WTF. I was so bloated and people even commented at work how I look like I've gained weight.


um...when did THIS become socially acceptable?

anywho. I've lost 7 lbs in 2 days since being off the medicine and since being f'ing afraid of food. well more afraid. although I'm still eating...but giving back an offering to the "porcelain god."

DDR too. I've started to play DDR on my Wii. love. soooo fun. I'm not very good, but I do have fun with it! And hopefully BURN BURN BURN calories. My fatass can't afford a sedentary lifestyle. move. move. move your butt!

I'm sleepy. And yet I don't really want to go to bed since I don't want to get up at 3am for work I must be lazy because I basically got a week off last week due to the sunburn and Urgent Care visits...lazy ass.

Someone's gotta bring home the Smart Bacon. ;)

Friday, July 23, 2010

What a day.

Just got back from the Urgent Health Care clinic. 2nd time this week.

I had gotten 2nd degree burns from a bad sunburn almost a week ago and had been experiencing severe swelling and pain. The edema got bad enough that I couldn't physically walk anymore and would have to leave work and then once back to my apartment I would crawl everywhere. Not normal.

I didn't know if the swelling was solely related to the burns or if my eating disorder was exacerbating those symptoms but I couldn't afford to lose more work so I went to Urgent Care. I was prescribed Predisnone, a steroid. A day after taking the drug I noticed the inflammation was indeed better, but I was gaining weight rapidly and my face was rounder (both typical of steroid use).

I had been told a normal dose for whatever it is usually prescribed for is 5-6mg. If someone enters the ER with breathing problems/asthma attack they are usually given around 60mg and then tapered off to 40mg/day, which is still an incredibly high dose. I was prescribed 100mg for the 1st day and then 50 every day after that. Holy steroids, batman.

I began having other symptoms of heart problems as well and that combined with the weight gain sent me into a panic. I called Urgent Care and they recommended I come back in. So I did and the doctor I had was very nice but completely ignorant on the subject of eating disorders (unfortunately, most doctors are). With the recent weight gain, I don't think he took me seriously when I told him about the eating disorder, since most people still don't realize weight is not a reliable measure for an eating disorder's severity. He even joked, "hey, you're recovering"...assuming that 1. Gaining weight means you're recovering (this is laughable) and 2. that the weight I gained was actually FAT weight which further sent me into a spiral.

And...panic attack. Yes, I had a panic attack in the Urgent Care room with a 60-something doctor. He gave me my own kleenex box, which was nice.

He prescribed me Xanax and I proceeded to get out of there & get it filled. I still haven't taken it yet because the panic attack has stopped, but also because I'm terrified anything I put in my body will turn to fat now. Anything could cause me to gain weight.

I have had 4 cherry tomatoes and 1.5 cups of coffee. Not healthy, but who the fuck cares tonight. After this day I've had, I sure don't.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

HUGE breath...THIS is my real eating disorder...

I wanted to name this blog "Anorexia" or "Anorexia Nervosa" or "The Anorexic", but those blog names were taken.

Good thing, really. I've used those titles as my identity for years and I need to break away from that. Besides, my eating disorder is far from just "anorexia". It's so much more complex than that. There's so many labels, disorders, categories, new disorders, arguments, blurred lines, etc...but it makes more sense to me to categorize it all into, "disordered eating". I believe it's a spectrum. Some just believe eating a low-fat or fat-free diet is healthy, some eat 300 calories a day, some binge/purge, some do all of the above.

And no one is "an anorexic" or "a bulimic," because you are NOT your eating disorder. You may HAVE an eating disorder, but that doesn't define you. It's something you struggle with amidst your dynamic self.

I've always had the diagnosis of 307.1, Anorexia Nervosa, but I still felt guilty having the anorexia diagnosis if I didn't feel like a perfect anorexic. Yes, I realize how messed up and disordered that sounds.

Guilty? Yes, I wanted that diagnosis. It became a status for me. I never looked at others with eating disorders and thought, "wow, what control they have. I want to be like them." I pitied them, worried about them, even felt scared for them, but it was different for me. For me I had to fit into a category easily measured. It was simple. I had to weigh less than X at my height to be considered anorexic, including my other symptoms. And I did. It was all about control. Of course, thinking I was in control, not actually being in it.

Eventually, you cross from,
"Hey, look what I can do. I feel so much better. It's hard work having such control!"
"Hey, it's getting easier to do this!"
"Wow, I didn't even realize I was still doing this..."
"This is a little annoying, but it's worth it."
"My family is hurting, I should probably hide this."
"My family is terrified, I should probably stop this."
"I'm a little worried about me too now. Maybe I should stop."
"Crap. I can't stop."
"Why can't I stop?"
"Help me STOP."
"It won't LET me STOP!"
Thinking you're in control to start and out of control to stop, it sets you up for a dangerous journey.

This war has raged on for a decade now. I want recovery, but it always seems so far out of reach. So many obstacles and the biggest one is me (no pun intended).

This is my not-so-private diary of my eating disorder. The first time I will be completely uncensored (edit: now censored to avoid triggering others) about my past, triggers, behaviors, steps toward recovery and back again. Join me on my journey if you wish.