Another one lost to the wind

My old boss from a daycare I worked at committed suicide this morning. You never know what demons people harbor in their life. A healthy, "normal" facade can be impenetrable by even the most observant and suspecting eyes.

Starting ballet

I started ballet today...at 24 years old! Haha, but it's just for fun.

MMmmm k that's a lie. It's for fun, something to keep me more occupied and less depressed...and because ED wants the anorexia back and I find ballet triggering.

But I enjoyed feeling graceful tonight or at least ATTEMPTING to be graceful.

10 years of Scottish Highland dancing does not prepare you for ballet except for balance and endurance, both of which I lost from not having done Scottish dancing for 8 years.

Practice, practice, practice

Yes, still raw vegan for the most part. Some occasional bites of candy at work.

the days are a blur

yesterday I ate an orange for breakfast, half of a raw vegan bar and an apple for lunch, the rest of the bar and another apple after work, and then later that night I made 2 bowls of salad and then ANOTHER bowl and this time added dressing...then I ate 6 English muffins and chocolate light soymilk...puked.

Nothing better tasting than spinach and chocolate light soymilk on its second time 'round. SICK.

today I've had 3 oranges and 1 peanut m&m. I'm tired and annoyed from work. I might just go to bed.

Raw Vegan Continued

I've been "Raw Vegan" for 3 days now and I love it...consequently I have not thrown up in 3 days either...THIS IS HUGE!!! I feel like I can EAT AND I don't feel I have to throw up!

This is BIG!
BIG!
BIG!
I've noticed my weight has dropped a bit...probably due to a lower sodium diet (water weight loss). Even though I feel like I'm eating more...my weight is dropping. Also the food I'm eating is less calorically dense than my normal diet.

I've been eating apples, mangoes, papaya, tomatoes, organic spinach, broccoli sprouts, hemp seeds, ground flaxeeds, nutritional yeast, red onions, bananas, ground wheat bran, and Silk vanilla light soymilk (this last one is not considered raw because it is pasteurized, but I'm trying to not be as black and white about this as that thought process was SO helpful in my past...) ;)

I'm also still drinking coffee...really shouldn't, but I don't know how else I can survive 10 hour workdays, 6 days a week, getting up at 3am, etc week after week. I can't seem to go to bed early enough to get up at 3 well rested. It's hard to go to bed at 7! I usually get in bed around 11. Latest was 1:35am...death.

Woah tangent there.

Anyway. Cravings.

I am craving some foods that I cannot have...specifically barbecue potato chips. I have no idea why, but I am craving those right now.

Today I've eaten: 1 banana; 2 bowls of sprouts with hemp seeds, ground flaxeeds, nutritional yeast, sea salt/pepper, cumin; 1/2 cup wheat bran with vanilla light soymilk and an apple sliced up in it; 1 mango. And lots of water.

It's so much easier to increase calories when the food is really good for you.

Raw Veganism

well I've been toying with the idea of converting from vegetarianism to veganism for quite a while now and recently I've been reading up on raw foodism and liking what I'm learning. It just seems so pure. I'm sure it's not 100% what I need either, but it's better than what my body's getting right now.

I'd be going from this...
no breakfast
no morning snack
no lunch
no afternoon snack
unhealthy dinner...purged
no late night snack

to this...
FOOD.
more specifically, food that I feel GOOD about eating. Something clicked in me, and I feel good about eating raw.

I'm not even just eating a raw food diet...I'm considered raw VEGAN. Woah big changes, baby!

I'm not 100% compliant with the guidelines, but if you are too strict you will revert back. I still consume soy milk (not raw), coffee (caffeine not allowed), artificial sweetners and refined sugar (both not allowed).

Today I have eaten (AND NOT THROWN UP, MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Breakfast: Orange, banana, glass of vanilla light soymilk
Snack: Orange, 2 cups of coffee
Lunch: Organic spinach salad with 1 roma tomato, 1 round cucumber from my parents' garden, sea salt, pepper, and cumin; 1 mango; a glass of vanilla light soymilk, and 2 cups of coffee
Snack: cup of vanilla light soymilk
Dinner: 2 bowls of salad with organich spinach, roma tomatoes, red onions, cumin, sea salt, pepper, nutritional yeast, ground flaxeed, and hempseeds.
Snack: orange and half a glass of vanilla light soymilk

yum. :)

I still feel like I want to snack on something but I think that's psychological hunger as my body has endured quite a bit these past years. I remember reading one way to tell the difference between psychological hunger and actual hunger is if the hunger continues to increase in intensity as you move further away from one meal and closer to another (actual hunger). One giveaway that you're psychologically hungry is if you're suggestible to certain foods that people mention or are eating if you weren't already hungry.

Well, time to end the day on a good note and go to bed early (it's Friday and I need to catch up from this workweek...desperately).

Roid Rage

Welllllllllll the steroids are to blame! Okay not entirely, considering what I'm capable of putting away...but I had gained a total of 15 lbs this week...and logically I know most of that is water weight but still...WTF. I was so bloated and people even commented at work how I look like I've gained weight.

...

um...when did THIS become socially acceptable?

anywho. I've lost 7 lbs in 2 days since being off the medicine and since being f'ing afraid of food. well more afraid. although I'm still eating...but giving back an offering to the "porcelain god."

DDR too. I've started to play DDR on my Wii. love. soooo fun. I'm not very good, but I do have fun with it! And hopefully BURN BURN BURN calories. My fatass can't afford a sedentary lifestyle. move. move. move your butt!

I'm sleepy. And yet I don't really want to go to bed since I don't want to get up at 3am for work again...wow I must be lazy because I basically got a week off last week due to the sunburn and Urgent Care visits...lazy ass.

Someone's gotta bring home the Smart Bacon. ;)

What a day.

Just got back from the Urgent Health Care clinic. 2nd time this week.

I had gotten 2nd degree burns from a bad sunburn almost a week ago and had been experiencing severe swelling and pain. The edema got bad enough that I couldn't physically walk anymore and would have to leave work and then once back to my apartment I would crawl everywhere. Not normal.

I didn't know if the swelling was solely related to the burns or if my eating disorder was exacerbating those symptoms but I couldn't afford to lose more work so I went to Urgent Care. I was prescribed Predisnone, a steroid. A day after taking the drug I noticed the inflammation was indeed better, but I was gaining weight rapidly and my face was rounder (both typical of steroid use).

I had been told a normal dose for whatever it is usually prescribed for is 5-6mg. If someone enters the ER with breathing problems/asthma attack they are usually given around 60mg and then tapered off to 40mg/day, which is still an incredibly high dose. I was prescribed 100mg for the 1st day and then 50 every day after that. Holy steroids, batman.

I began having other symptoms of heart problems as well and that combined with the weight gain sent me into a panic. I called Urgent Care and they recommended I come back in. So I did and the doctor I had was very nice but completely ignorant on the subject of eating disorders (unfortunately, most doctors are). With the recent weight gain, I don't think he took me seriously when I told him about the eating disorder, since most people still don't realize weight is not a reliable measure for an eating disorder's severity. He even joked, "hey, you're recovering"...assuming that 1. Gaining weight means you're recovering (this is laughable) and 2. that the weight I gained was actually FAT weight which further sent me into a spiral.

And...panic attack. Yes, I had a panic attack in the Urgent Care room with a 60-something doctor. He gave me my own kleenex box, which was nice.

He prescribed me Xanax and I proceeded to get out of there & get it filled. I still haven't taken it yet because the panic attack has stopped, but also because I'm terrified anything I put in my body will turn to fat now. Anything could cause me to gain weight.

I have had 4 cherry tomatoes and 1.5 cups of coffee. Not healthy, but who the fuck cares tonight. After this day I've had, I sure don't.

HUGE breath...THIS is my real eating disorder...

I wanted to name this blog "Anorexia" or "Anorexia Nervosa" or "The Anorexic", but those blog names were taken.

Good thing, really. I've used those titles as my identity for years and I need to break away from that. Besides, my eating disorder is far from just "anorexia". It's so much more complex than that. There's so many labels, disorders, categories, new disorders, arguments, blurred lines, etc...but it makes more sense to me to categorize it all into, "disordered eating". I believe it's a spectrum. Some just believe eating a low-fat or fat-free diet is healthy, some eat 300 calories a day, some binge/purge, some do all of the above.

And no one is "an anorexic" or "a bulimic," because you are NOT your eating disorder. You may HAVE an eating disorder, but that doesn't define you. It's something you struggle with amidst your dynamic self.

I've always had the diagnosis of 307.1, Anorexia Nervosa, but I still felt guilty having the anorexia diagnosis if I didn't feel like a perfect anorexic. Yes, I realize how messed up and disordered that sounds.

Guilty? Yes, I wanted that diagnosis. It became a status for me. I never looked at others with eating disorders and thought, "wow, what control they have. I want to be like them." I pitied them, worried about them, even felt scared for them, but it was different for me. For me I had to fit into a category easily measured. It was simple. I had to weigh less than X at my height to be considered anorexic, including my other symptoms. And I did. It was all about control. Of course, thinking I was in control, not actually being in it.

Eventually, you cross from,
"Hey, look what I can do. I feel so much better. It's hard work having such control!"
"Hey, it's getting easier to do this!"
"Wow, I didn't even realize I was still doing this..."
"This is a little annoying, but it's worth it."
"My family is hurting, I should probably hide this."
"My family is terrified, I should probably stop this."
"I'm a little worried about me too now. Maybe I should stop."
"Crap. I can't stop."
"Why can't I stop?"
"Help me STOP."
"It won't LET me STOP!"
to,
"SAVE ME!"
Thinking you're in control to start and out of control to stop, it sets you up for a dangerous journey.

This war has raged on for a decade now. I want recovery, but it always seems so far out of reach. So many obstacles and the biggest one is me (no pun intended).

This is my not-so-private diary of my eating disorder. The first time I will be completely uncensored (edit: now censored to avoid triggering others) about my past, triggers, behaviors, steps toward recovery and back again. Join me on my journey if you wish.