Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I Never Thought I'd Be Here

ED told me being alone was a time to build caloric deficits.
ED told me if I ate, it had to be witnessed.
ED told me you'd assume I was eating when you weren't around if I ate when you were around.
I never thought I'd get to a place where I'm eating when no one's around.

ED told me to minimize calories by eating fat-free & sugar-free when I could.
I never thought I'd ever be using a full-fat, full-sugar creamer in my coffee, even when my boyfriend has a fat-free, sugar-free one in the fridge.

ED told me to never eat when I was hungry or that I'd be a slave to my weak body's needs.
ED told me if I overate to keep going since I already f***** up, but that I'd have to get rid of it.
I never believed I'd ever be able to allow myself to eat what I want when I'm hungry & stop when I'm full.

ED told me I ruined all my hard work if I overate & that I'd have to get rid of it.
I never thought I'd be okay with the occasional overeating at a restaurant or because these nachos I just made are sooo good. 

ED told me to take advantage of accidental missed meals when life got busy. 
ED told me they were negative "deposits" in my bank of caloric deficits.
ED told me I still had to run miles & miles whether I had eaten or not.
I never believed I wouldn't get triggered if the day's events led to inadvertent restriction, nor that I would be able to not allow myself to go for a run on those days.

I never thought I'd be here today, but I am.

Please don't assume my recovery was perfect; it most surely was not.
As long as you keep fighting that ED voice, you're making progress.
Allow your recovery to be your own & not a comparison of someone else's journey.
You'll get there too, wherever "there" is for you.

1 comment:

Margaretta Cloutier said...

Thank you for putting into words how people battling with ED feel, Ashley. And I love how you were completely honest with your posts, especially the part where you implored to people not to assume that your recovery is perfect. And that as long as you keep on fighting that ED voice, you are making progress. You are one brave young woman, and I applaud you for your will to win over ED. Stay strong!

Margaretta Cloutier @