Learning to Separate YOUR Voice from the Eating Disorder voice

I learned to live half alive,

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts,

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

Didn't eat well today, and ED keeps making excuses.
Didn't eat enough for breakfast.

You were running late, so you couldn't grab something besides a banana at home, & a train stopped you for 15 minutes so you didn't have time to stop at the gas station.

While that excuse is true, it doesn't excuse the rest of the day which happened because I had a poor start.
Banana on the way to work
Coffee with sugar/cream on 1st break
Lunch was a few garlic toast chips with pesto on them & another coffee.
I had 2 regular and 1 jumbo blow pop during work.
After work: nada yet

It's 9:55PM here and I wake up at 3:30AM so really I should go to bed.
I think that was partly ED. I hate when I can't tell who is saying something: ME or the eating disorder...sometimes they become so enmeshed you can't distinguish two voices.

But if you take away anything from this post, let this be it: Learning to separate YOUR voice from the eating disorder is vital to recovery. By creating that separation, you enable yourself to turn against the eating disorder's voice (no, we're not crazy...but the ED voice is a self-critical voice you have learned to use to cope with life through eating-disordered behaviors. By recognizing that you are separate from it, you acknowledge it is not your identity, but a disease that can be overcome) and by turning against the voice, you can choose healthier behaviors and gradually increase the gap between you and ED.

I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret...

Sangria, food diary, and...Lindsay Lohan?

Those don't seem to fit well together, but at the present I am drinking a glass of sangria in my room wih the shades down.  Isolating...maybe.

Probably due to being more tired than Lindsay Lohan's legal team.

Mmm. sangria is the SHIZNIT. liquid happiness.

caloric liquid happiness.

SHUT UP ED. it's delicious and I haven't eaten properly today so I might as well drink some calories.

The amount of food I'm eating is still MONUMENTAL compared to what I used to be able to eat! But today it was not enough, despite ED telling me it was too much.

I had 2 chocolate chip cookies, a Lingonberry juice, and a Special K protein meal bar in the morning...ED's already cringing.

Then on 1st break I had 2/3 of the other Special K protein meal bar & a banana

I had 2 lindor truffles while working inbetween breaks

At lunch I had the other 1/3 of the bar and a coffee with cream and REAL SUGAR (this is something I've been working on successfully for a long time).

1 Strawberry blow pop after lunch

After work I've had 2 pieces of toasted garlic bread chips (each could fit on a tablespoon) with a teaspoon or so of pesto on them. And of course the glass of sangria.

Calorically, that's a monumental WIN from the last 10 years...but a fail from the last few months as well. I can tell something's stirring. It's like *he's* a monster that lies in wait until you're in a compromising stage of your life, which I'm about to be...