Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Voice of an Eating Disorder: Internal WAR

I found this journal I wrote last year of the internal war going on in my head, and I think I captured it quite well for my situation at that time. This type of dialogue, war, constant battle, raged on incessantly. It exhausted me physically and mentally to the point of collapsing on my bed and trying desperately to think of nothing but a brick wall to "block" it out. The arrows (>>>) mark the beginning and end of the old entry.

>>>
The voice:
There’s no way in the WORLD you can eat that. Why would you think you can eat that? You aren’t allowed to eat that. It isn’t time yet for you to eat. You know I’ll let you eat later tonight, why would you eat now too? You think you deserve to eat BOTH times?? You’re not even hungry, why would you eat now? Stare all you want, you can’t have that. Let people who deserve that food eat it. Look at all of what you put your parents through, they should be able to eat that. Leave it for them. Even your dog deserves to eat more of that than you.
Me: I don’t want my parents to worry.

The voice:
I don’t care, you’re still not eating it. Pick at it if you want, although you shouldn’t even be eating THAT much. What was the point of eating the rest of the salsa after your mom left the room? You don’t want to worry her and yet you eat when she won’t even see you eating? Now you’ve eaten when you weren’t even hungry. You’re PATHETIC. Worthless piece of SHIT! You don’t deserve to have parents.
Me: My mom puts so much work and love into her cooking. It’s a passion of hers, I don’t want to disappoint her. I DO love her food, I’m just afraid.

The voice:
Well you SHOULD be afraid. If you eat with abandon, there will be consequences. You don’t deserve food or nourishment. You’re a worthless, lazy, selfish, PIG.
Mom: You didn’t eat very much.

That’s what frustrates me. I hear this incessant voice, SCREAMING at me at how worthless I am, how I can’t eat that, how I don’t deserve to eat, how I shouldn’t eat when I’m not even hungry right now, and I’m trying to enjoy the time with my family with that stupid voice in my head, and then my mom says, “you didn’t eat very much”. Nothing wrong with her comment, it’s an observation. But I think we all KNEW I didn’t eat very much and now the voice is that much stronger. Now it’s saying,

The voice:
Look at how WORTHLESS you are. YOU ARE A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT AS A DAUGHTER. You don’t deserve them. You’re going to pay for how you’re treating them. This is all YOUR fault.
Me: I’M not the one who wouldn’t let me eat. I WANTED to eat. Even though I wasn’t hungry, I WANTED to eat. My mom is an AWESOME cook. The food looked/tasted great. I wanted to, but YOU wouldn’t let me. STOP CONTROLLING ME. Please just leave me alone. I want to be in peace, please!!
>>>

It still breaks my heart remembering the pain of feeling like you're living with a bully 24/7 inside your own body and knowing others still live with that bully as well. I believe you never lose that bully or voice, but you learn to thought-challenge it, get angry at it, fight it, and with time it quiets down as you learn to deal with life in a healthier manner and rely on your eating disorder less and less.

5 comments:

Tom Eliot said...

Hi - a perfect portrayal of how it feels to be bullied from the inside out. Keep writing - its good to know im not alone.

Tom Eliot said...

Hi- a perfect portrayal of how it feels being bullied from the inside. Keep writing - its good to know im not alone.

A is for... said...

Tom-

I'm glad I was able to reach someone. Keep fighting whatever internal bullies you're up against. As long as you're still fighting, you're winning.

Keep in touch!

Personne said...

SO TRUE.

I've been able to do this (separate me from the ED) sometimes, but it's hard to always keep this in the forefront of my mind.

I love your blog, by the way. I'm trying to recover, and I enjoy reading your journey.

A is for... said...

Personne-

Thank you! I wish you only the best on your recovery journey.