Wednesday, July 21, 2010

HUGE breath...THIS is my real eating disorder...

I wanted to name this blog "Anorexia" or "Anorexia Nervosa" or "The Anorexic", but those blog names were taken.

Good thing, really. I've used those titles as my identity for years and I need to break away from that. Besides, my eating disorder is far from just "anorexia". It's so much more complex than that. There's so many labels, disorders, categories, new disorders, arguments, blurred lines, etc...but it makes more sense to me to categorize it all into, "disordered eating". I believe it's a spectrum. Some just believe eating a low-fat or fat-free diet is healthy, some eat 300 calories a day, some binge/purge, some do all of the above.

And no one is "an anorexic" or "a bulimic," because you are NOT your eating disorder. You may HAVE an eating disorder, but that doesn't define you. It's something you struggle with amidst your dynamic self.

I've always had the diagnosis of 307.1, Anorexia Nervosa, but I still felt guilty having the anorexia diagnosis if I didn't feel like a perfect anorexic. Yes, I realize how messed up and disordered that sounds.

Guilty? Yes, I wanted that diagnosis. It became a status for me. I never looked at others with eating disorders and thought, "wow, what control they have. I want to be like them." I pitied them, worried about them, even felt scared for them, but it was different for me. For me I had to fit into a category easily measured. It was simple. I had to weigh less than X at my height to be considered anorexic, including my other symptoms. And I did. It was all about control. Of course, thinking I was in control, not actually being in it.

Eventually, you cross from,
"Hey, look what I can do. I feel so much better. It's hard work having such control!"
"Hey, it's getting easier to do this!"
"Wow, I didn't even realize I was still doing this..."
"This is a little annoying, but it's worth it."
"My family is hurting, I should probably hide this."
"My family is terrified, I should probably stop this."
"I'm a little worried about me too now. Maybe I should stop."
"Crap. I can't stop."
"Why can't I stop?"
"Help me STOP."
"It won't LET me STOP!"
Thinking you're in control to start and out of control to stop, it sets you up for a dangerous journey.

This war has raged on for a decade now. I want recovery, but it always seems so far out of reach. So many obstacles and the biggest one is me (no pun intended).

This is my not-so-private diary of my eating disorder. The first time I will be completely uncensored (edit: now censored to avoid triggering others) about my past, triggers, behaviors, steps toward recovery and back again. Join me on my journey if you wish.

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